


may we stay lost on our way home

by rawrimmapanda



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Depression, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, discussion of medication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 18:15:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16351670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rawrimmapanda/pseuds/rawrimmapanda
Summary: The problem with depression is that it doesn’t just knock on your door and ask to come in, it breaks a window and climbs in uninvited. Jake thought he was better about catching it before it happened, but that sudden slide was perfectly timed with the sudden slide in the standings the team took.You’d think that by this point in his career, he’d be used to losing. Jake always believed he was a nobody, but that didn’t change how he wanted to do something desperately to make things better with the team. He pulled a lot of the expectations for the rest of the team upon himself and his mental health frequently suffered because of it.His relationship with Rasmus was doing fine by his standards. He was clouded by the depression to the point where he lost sight of where the relationship was starting to head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to my beta for looking over this and fixing my typos I made when I was sleepy. 
> 
> Super double awesome thanks to the Sabres Cult for putting up with me while I worked through this. 
> 
> This story deals with discussions surrounding mental health (depression) but there are no mentions of self-harm or suicide. If you are not comfortable with discussions of mental health, this is where you should probably turn back.

“I’m sorry, boys, we have no choice but to go with roommates for the next couple of nights.”

Jake sighed. He had been forward to a night enjoying a beer from the hotel bar and then watching some more Parts Unknown on Netflix. He was curious how they were going to handle the roommates situation. It wasn’t normal for there to be roommates outside of the rookies, so he figured there was going to be some kind of system. Of course, it wasn’t normal for a hotel to get overbooked with a hockey team and some sort of anime convention at the same time, but here they were, dealing with just that. 

Jake vaguely heard Phil yelling over the team about picking your own roommate, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Jack and Sam cling to each other like life rafts. He shook his head at them, knowing that no one on the team would dare split them up. 

Before he could look around to see who was left, he felt a gentle tap on the shoulder. 

“Want to?” 

The clipped English could only belong to Rasmus. Jake resisted the urge to shudder. Of everyone on the team, he was the last person Jakewanted to room with. It wasn’t because he hated Rasmus: quite the opposite actually. 

Pining was one way to describe “the Rasmus problem”, as his friends had started to call it. Jake liked calling it appreciation from afar. His friends were sick of him sending screenshots of Rasmus’ instagram and the tweet that simply said “I love arm” to the group chat. A few of them had threatened to try and set them up. That usually got Jake to stop waxing poetically. 

Jake shrugged instead. No one else was asking him, and he could hide in his Netflix plans while Rasmus did whatever he did on non-game nights. 

“Sure, not like there are many options.” He tried to chuckle, but it just came out as some choked noise. He was truly winning the game here, he thought sarcastically to himself. 

He grabbed his bag and followed Rasmus to the counter to grab their keys. He pocketed his and scrubbed his hand over his face, tempted to pinch himself. 

They quietly made their way to the elevator and went up to their room. As they opened the door to the room, they rushed to get in, both tired from the travel. Jake stifled a yawn as Rasmus stopped suddenly. Jake peered around him and he could swear the hockey gods were fucking with him. 

There was only one bed. 

Jake sighed again, walking around a stunned Finn. He grabbed the phone and called down to the front desk. He asked if they had any cots available and when he heard that they had been all taken by people at the convention, he couldn’t help the exasperated noise he made. 

At some point during his frantic phone call, Rasmus had seemed to accept the situation and was putting his things in the corner. 

“We can share.”

“I’ll take the floor.”

They both spoke at the same time, Jake offering to suffer so that he didn’t have to deal with what Rasmus had been suggesting. He didn’t think he was mentally strong enough for that. 

Rasmus reached out and grabbed him, pushing him on the bed. 

“We’ll share”

Jake couldn’t help but to think how much he’d enjoy being pushed like that by him in another context. He blinked a few times, feigning shock at how strong the Finn is. 

“Fine”

Rasmus turned around and went back to organizing his stuff. Jake took up residence on the desk in the other corner of the room. He grabbed his sleep clothes, toothbrush, and toothpaste and headed to the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and got changed quickly. He brushed his teeth like it was any other night. 

As he left the bathroom, he caught his reflection in the mirror and he smoothed out his hair the best he could. He knew that it was pointless since he was going to mess it up while sleeping, but at least it would look good while he watched Netflix on his laptop. 

He closed the bathroom door behind him and went to put his stuff in the bag. He reached to grab his laptop from the bag and he caught Rasmus across the room shucking his shirt. He turned and sat on the edge of the bed, his feet grazing the floor. 

“I’m going to watch Parts Unknown if you want to join me?” 

“I’m going to play on my phone, but I’ll listen.”

Jake figured that was better than he was expecting when he opened his mouth. He opened his laptop and fiddled with it until the show was playing. He scooted backwards onto the bed until his back was against the headboard. He adjusted the pillows until there was a small barrier between him and a very much shirtless Rasmus. He shifted his laptop on his lap, turning up the volume so that Rasmus could hear it. He glanced over and saw Rasmus playing some game on his phone. He made a mental note to ask him what game it was later. 

Jake watched a few episodes and then started to nod off. Rasmus had noticed and started to shift the pillows so that they could both sleep. 

Jake shifted slightly and closed his laptop. He set it on the table next to the bed and prayed it didn’t fall off during the night. He drifted off to sleep, listening to the sounds of Rasmus breathing softly next to him.


	2. Chapter 2

When Jake woke up, he felt like he was being smothered. An arm laid heavily across his body where Rasmus had starfished over most of the bed. Jake laid there motionless, trying to figure out how he was going to move out of the bed without waking the Finn up. Rasmus was lightly snoring and clearly still sleeping. Jake reached over to grab his phone that was resting on top of his laptop. He saw that it was about 15 minutes before his alarm would go off so he turned it off. 

He laid there for what felt like forever until he shifted slightly and Rasmus pulled his arm back. Jake instantly missed how it felt to have someone holding him. He slid out of the bed carefully, trying to not jostle the blankets too much. As his feet touched the floor, he glanced down and noticed that he was starting to tent his boxers. He quickly and quietly shuffled over to his bag, grabbed his clothes and scooted to the bathroom. He shut the door softly behind him. He turned the hot water on and stripped out of his clothes. 

The shower was hot enough that water was starting to drip down from the walls, which was exactly how Jake liked it. He soaped himself up, getting lost in his thoughts. He couldn’t help but imprint the memory of how Rasmus looked while sleeping into his memory forever. He could still feel his arm across his body and he glanced down. That tenting problem was only getting worse. 

Jake reached down and cupped himself, stroking slowly, like he had all the time in the world. He started to moan softly, thinking about what it would be like to jerk himself off onto Rasmus’ naked torso. He heard a knock on the door and saw it open a bit. 

 

“I’m trying to shower here dude”

“We share a locker room”

Jake rolled his eyes and turned his back to the shower curtain, scrubbing furiously so that everything would calm down. He heard Rasmus step inside to brush his teeth. 

So much for that plan, he thought grimly to himself. He looked down again and saw that his situation was dissipating. He rinsed off quickly and stepped out of the shower, wrapping himself in a towel. He squeezed himself behind Rasmus and excused himself as he did so. As he left the bathroom, he thought he saw Rasmus taking a peek at him in the all too small towel. He shook his head and just wrote it off as false hope. 

He got dressed and ready like it was any other day. They had morning skate so it was just jeans and a team-issued hoodie for him. He wasn’t into anything super tight or fancy. He saw Rasmus leave the bathroom, and watched him struggle to fit into some tighter jeans. 

“Jesus man. Can’t find pants that fit you?” 

For his troubles, Jake got the finger in return.

“You’re no better”

Jake went back to getting ready, grabbing his favorite beanie from the suitcase. He brushed his hair back, hoping it would dry in a somewhat manageable way. He was smiling the whole time. The exchange had felt natural and something that he needed. As they grabbed their things, there was a message in the group chat from Casey, accompanied with a shitty meme, letting everyone know that they were meeting in the lobby and heading to a local diner for breakfast. Jake figured those were the perks of having a kid from Minnesota on the team. They can find the team a place to hide from the anime convention. 

Jake let Rasmus know the plan, assuming that he hadn’t been on his phone all morning. Jake never saw the thing and highly doubted that it fit in any of his pockets. Rasmus nodded in acknowledgement. He then grabbed his phone from where it was nestled between the pillows and swiped it open with the side of his thumb. He pulled up the meme that Casey had sent and turned his phone towards Jake. 

“Did you see this?”

Jake shook his head disapprovingly. It was another Fortnite meme and he was getting sick of them being sent. Maybe it was a sign that he was getting old.

“Yeah, I don’t know where he finds that shit half the time.”

They both did a quick check of the room to make sure they had keys and wallets before leaving for the elevator. When they got in the hallway, they ran into Jack and Sam exiting their room as well. 

Jack raised his eyebrow inquisitively, curious that those two had roomed together. Jake had spent many nights at Jack and Sam’s house eating their ice cream feeling lonely. He figured it was fine since he taught them how to use their stove for more than just decoration. However, they knew the truth about him. Jake wasn’t out to the team, but Jack and Sam caught him at a gay bar once, so he had told them the truth. Sam had hinted that he knew someone perfect for Jake but he declined the blind date. 

To him, being gay and in a small circle of friends was just asking for trouble. Better to just admire your straight defense partner from afar instead. 

“Morning guys. Did you get the message from Casey?” 

Jake figured if he just jumped in with a different subject, they’d stop looking at him in that tone of voice. He started to walk towards the elevators and the rest followed.   
“Yep. We’ve been to this place before with Bogo.” 

Jake had forgotten that Sam and Jack usually spent a weekend visiting Bogo during the summer. It was something he had been meaning to do all of last summer, but he was too busy exploring Chicago and training to make the drive over. It’s not like a six hour drive was that bad, but he just wanted to be hyper focused on getting better. 

Jake nodded as they approached the elevator. A gaggle of cosplayers walked out of the elevator when they got there and they quickly moved to get inside. Rasmus hit the button for the first floor, where the lobby was. Jake noticed that he was suspiciously quiet. The Rasmus he knew was quiet overall, but he would still talk. This was just weird to him. Sam keep glancing between the two of them during the elevator ride down. 

If Jake was a better person he’d tell the story about how they were stuck without a second bed, but he didn’t want to give away too much teasing material this early in the morning. He had some limits on what he could take and at what time of the day. 

They got to the main floor and walked over to the group waiting. Jake realized he had forgotten his beanie and was disappointed in himself. It was still early in the season so it wasn't too biting cold out yet. He was thankful that the Minnesota and Winnipeg trip was before the winter had really set in, like in past years. 

Scandella spotted the four of them first. He got between Rasmus and Jake, draping his arms over their shoulders. How he managed to lean down on the two of them when he was directly between them in height was impressive to Jake. 

“This place has the best pancakes. You’re going to love them!” 

Jake shrugged Scandella off his shoulders, leaving him to hang off Rasmus. He was still pre-coffee. Jake spotted a Caribou across the street from the hotel. He let Casey know that he wasn’t ditching and jogged across the lobby and out the door to the coffee shop. He ordered his mocha and while he was standing there waiting for it, he felt his phone vibrate in his pants pocket. 

>Everything ok? You seemed off this morning. 

It was Sam checking up on him. Some days he liked summer better just because it meant the team was living less out of each others pockets. 

>Yeah I’m fine. It’s been a weird couple of days. 

Jake heard his name being called by the barista and saw his drink sitting on the counter. He knew that sugary drinks were probably not the best thing for his diet, but he needed one this morning. It probably would be nothing compared to what has been promised for breakfast. 

>You don’t have to say yes or no, but is Risto the one you’ve been eating us out of house and home over?

Jake rolled his eyes as he walked back to the hotel. Jogging across the busy street carefully so that he didn’t spill his drink. When he was safely inside the lobby, sitting down, he typed out a response. 

>It was twice and it was just ice cream. I should charge you guys for all the food I make.

He figured that would shut Sam up and he was right for the moment. Casey was blowing up the group chat, warning stragglers that they would be left behind if they didn’t get downstairs in the next five minutes. A few people filtered in late, mainly Guhle. Jake suspected that he was only there under threat of his life since he normally roomed with Casey. 

They all ventured outside and walked to the diner, as it was only a few blocks away. Jake thought it was amusing to see a team of hockey players ducking and dodging convention goers. It was some weird juxtaposition that stirred something in him. 

When they got to the diner, the waitress had to pull off some restaurant magic to get everyone seated. Jake ordered the pancakes with extra whipped cream. He figured if he was going to have a cheat day, might as well make it a good one. As promised, the pancakes were really good. As he was eating, he watched Rasmus push his food around his plate, almost like he was thinking about the origin of the poor eggs he was stabbing. Jake shrugged it off, figuring it wasn’t his business. 

The chatter around the table was turning to the convention they were sharing a hotel with. Apparently a few of the guys went and checked out some of the video game competitions that were going on. They bought day passes for the convention because they were curious. Some of the older guys were pumped to see that people still played Super Smash Bros and some of the younger ones were just happy to see Fortnite included. They were ranking the best cosplayers they had seen so far and it was generally light conversation. 

Jake felt the chair next to him get pulled out and he noticed Jack had sat down next to him. 

“If you bring anything up I’m going to start charging you per meal.”

Jack laughed at the prospect of that actually happening. 

“Nah, I just wanted to see if you wanted to come chill in our room tonight for a bit.” 

Jake thought it over. It would give him a break from him trying to act natural around Rasmus. 

“I’ll think about it. I might bring my computer to watch Netflix though.” 

Jack clapped him on the back and made his way around the table to check in on everyone. Once Jack was named captain, he went into protective mode around the team, even if some of them were older than he was. It was jarring to say the least, but he was the best fit for the team. 

Jake finished up the last of the bacon that was on his plate and tossed his card into the middle of the table. He had noticed a few others had done the same so it seemed as they were playing meal roulette this morning. His card, thankfully, didn’t get pulled. It seemed that Sam was the poor sap who had to bankroll the pancakes this morning. 

The team left the diner and headed back to the hotel where the bus was waiting for them. Jake pulled his earbuds out of his pocket, put them in, and made his way to the back of the bus. He figured that even if he wasn’t listening to music, people would leave him alone with them in. 

He was sorely wrong. 

Sam sat down next to him and yanked one right out of his ear. 

“You and I need to talk.”

Jake rolled his eyes and replaced the earphone.. This time he actually turned his music on, ignoring what Sam was saying. 

They got to the arena and the team filed off the bus quietly, most everyone sleepy from overeating at breakfast. They were ushered into the locker room where things picked up a bit. 

Jake’s stall was predictably next to Rasmus, as coach liked to keep defence pairs sitting together in the locker room. Something about building rapport with each other. 

They got ready in relative silence next to each other. The rest of the locker room had picked up the conversation pace from how grim it sounded on the bus. Jack was caught throwing tape balls at everyone, trying to wake them up and most of the conversation was getting him to stop. Jake saw Jack take aim in his direction so he ducked, laughing as a giant wad of tape hit Rasmus in the face. He had been leaning down to tie his skate and didn’t see Jake take aim. 

Jake watched him grumpily remove the tape ball and toss it in the trash, flipping Jack the bird. 

A few minutes more passed and then coach was calling them out on the ice for practice. Practice went as it always did, boring and repetitive. They all split up after practice for some time in the gym or video sessions. The forward group opted to hit the gym first, leaving the defense to do video review. 

When they got into video, Jake noticed Rasmus took the furthest seat away from him. Jake was starting to get the feeling that Rasmus hated him after last night. He knew his joke wasn’t the funniest this morning, but it wasn’t that bad. 

Jake spent his time in the gym doing cardio, something he liked to do on off-days. It kept him feeling fresh and alive. When he hit the showers, he noticed that Rasmus had already taken off and wasn’t anywhere to be found. Jake was glad to have a key to the room, in case he didn’t come back at all. He overheard the team talking about checking out the Mall of America. Jake declined the invite since he had been there plenty of times when he was growing up. To him it was just another mall with too much going on. 

Jake climbed on the bus and flashed Rasmus a smile when he walked past. He got a slight smile in return. He figured that was good enough for now. He needed his roommate for the night to at least acknowledge him. If all else fails, he could always see if he could crash in Jack and Sam’s room. He was pretty convinced the two of them weren’t using the extra bed. 

The team got back to the hotel and Jake made his way back up to the room. He overheard Rasmus agreeing to go to the mall with the others. Something about getting some more clothes. He heard a weak chirp about the baret that Rasmus always wears and laughed softly to himself. That baret had a life of it’s own at this point. 

Jake booked it up to the shared room, closing the door behind him and slipping into the bathroom. He pulled up Grindr on his phone, but realized he didn’t have a ton of time to work with, so he closed it as fast as he had opened it. He flipped through some of the saved pictures he had stashed away. Bound and determined to finish what he had started in the shower, he turned the sink on and pulled his pants halfway down. He glanced down at his phone as he took himself in his hand and started to stroke quickly. Before he knew what was happening, he was coming all over his hands. The thought of Rasmus’ arms gripping him flashed through his mind. He had a moment of regret in the afterglow of his orgasam, realizing the picture he had pulled up was of a tall blonde. 

He had a type apparently. 

Jake cleaned himself up and realized his aim was a bit off and he had gotten his shirt caught in the line of fire. He took it off, just in time to hear the door to the room open. He balled the shirt up quickly and tossed it in the suitcase. He’d deal with that another time. 

“Didn’t think you were the kind to be half naked in private”

Jake groaned to himself, knowing that he was going to never live down any chirping that came from this moment. He said a small prayer for his phone that was still in the bathroom. He hoped that the screen had locked by this point and his porn was hidden. 

“Nah, I got my shirt wet washing my hands. Wanted to change it before heading out tonight.” 

Rasmus moved go to into the bathroom and Jake groaned. Less than a second later Rasmus was out of the bathroom and tossing his phone on the bed. 

“You left it in there. Didn’t want family to call while I was in the shower.”

Jake was surprised that Rasmus remembered that his family called him every few days to check in. He said that to him once in passing and it was weird that he remembered. Jake shrugged some and grabbed his phone, thankful that he had it set to his thumbprint for a lock. He looked up and Rasmus had already closed the bathroom door behind him. He heard the shower turn on and Jake opened his phone to clear the tabs so that everything was back to normal. Last thing he needed was to open a text around the guys and have some of his porn sitting front and center. 

He finally found a shirt and settled on a dark grey polo shirt. He grabbed his beanie and pulled it down over his hair carefully. He grabbed his laptop and pulled out his earbuds. He took up residence at the table in his room and watched a few more episodes of his show on Netflix. He was so engrossed in the show that he didn’t hear Rasmus moving to get a better look over his shoulder. Jake finally felt a tap on his arm and he looked back behind him. Rasmus was dangerously close to him and he was having a moment of panic. 

His hair hadn’t finished drying yet and was sticking up in fluffy blonde bits that looked like duck fluff. Jake resisted the urge to reach out to flatten them and just pulled his earbuds out. 

“Are you going to dinner with the team?”

Rasmus looked at Jake inquisitively, tilting his head slightly to the side. Jake had debated not going to team dinner and just hiding in the room ordering some room service. 

“Nah, I don’t think I am up to it tonight.”

“Oh”

Rasmus had looked crestfallen. Jake couldn’t stop the words that came out of his mouth next. 

“I guess it would beat room service.”

Jake was convinced he saw Rasmus perk up slightly. He was still going to hang out in the double trouble room after dinner for his own sanity.


	3. Chapter 3

Dinner was typical of the team on nights out. Someone picks a steakhouse and they do some more credit card roulette. Jake skipped out on dessert after the heavy breakfast he had, sugary coffee included. Jake sat back in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair, keeping his eyes closed as he enjoyed the sensation. He cracked his knuckles as quietly as he could. He wasn’t regretting his choice to skip on the room service for once. The conversation was great, just the right amount of chirping and discussion. He had kept to himself for the most part, but was ok with just listening and soaking it all in.

As he opened his eyes, he noticed Rasmus glance down at his plate suddenly. He was poking a rogue potato wedge around his plate like it insulted his family at some point. Most of his steak was half eaten, and Jake didn’t know his policy on taking food home, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out. He did hear Rasmus order something filled with garlic and onions and was praying that it wouldn’t be reheated in the rooms microwave. 

Jake pushed his chair out and slipped away to the bathroom, excusing himself as he walked around the table. He was trying to make himself as small as possible. He slipped into the mens room, letting the swinging door close behind him with a heavy thud. He made his way over to the rows of sinks against the wall and he scrubbed his hand over his face. He ran the water for a few seconds, wetting his hands. Jake rubbed his face with his slightly damp hands, trying to wake himself up a bit. 

As he turned around to leave, he saw Rasmus enter the bathroom and block his way back out to the dining room. The bathroom was empty except for the two of them and Jake felt like he couldn’t breathe. The air felt charged and Jake closed his eyes tightly, until he saw spots and static. 

“Please don’t hate me” 

Rasmus walked up and cupped his face, pulling him up to meet his height. He kissed Jake softly, holding him around the waist with one hand, pulling his body in closer. Jake went limp under the kiss, only opening his eyes once Rasmus pulled back. It was like he was being drowned in the ocean. The pressure to pull him back in for another kiss was dragging him down. 

Jake felt like he was moving slowly and tried to go in for a second kiss when they both heard the door to the bathroom opening. 

They split up and got out of the way of the stranger that had entered. Jake blinked a few times before leaving the room to go back to the table. Rasmus followed soon after. 

When they got back to the table, Jake had noticed that they already played roulette and he was the lucky winner. Jake paid without groaning or complaining. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say anything.

The team headed back to the hotel and the whole time, Jake was sitting there vibrating out of his body. He nervously put his headphones in and pulled his beanie down over them, fiddling with it because he wasn’t sure if it was fitting right on his head. He knew his anxiety was getting to him, but he couldn’t help it. Life was starting to fall into place in the weirdest ways. 

They finally got back to the hotel room, after what felt like forever. Everyone split up, some back to their rooms, and others to the hotel bar. Jake and Rasmus hopped on an elevator up to their floor. They didn’t speak the whole ride up, garnering some weird looks from Sam as they exited and headed towards their room. 

As the door was shutting behind them, Jake walked over and put his key on the desk near his suitcase. 

“I’m sorry, I should have…” 

Jake turned and shut Rasmus up with a frantic kiss. He was surging up and caught Rasmus a little lopsidedly, but they straightened out and crashed backwards into the closed door. Hands running up and down fervently along each other as they moved forward towards the bed. In the back of his head, Jake cursed himself for leaving his supplies at home. 

The two of them made out for what seemed like hours, slowly peppering kisses up and down each other. Rasmus surged up for another kiss while Jake started to straddle him. Jake felt Rasmus tangle his fingers in his hair. He felt a slight pull and that sent shivers down his spine. He forgot how good it was to have his hair pulled. Rasmus tugged a little harder, just on the right side of painful. Jake heard himself moan. If he felt like he was drowning before, then he felt like he was being pulled out to sea in this moment. He slowly rolled over and off Rasmus, so that he was laying down next to him. He laced his fingers in his and squeezed tightly. Jake leaned over and gave Rasmus a kiss on the cheek. 

“We need to talk about this.” 

Rasmus was absolutely beaming. 

“I like you.”

Jake snorted a little. Leave it to the Finn to point out the obvious. Two can play at that game though and he couldn’t help but be a bit sarcastic in his response. 

“Clearly”

 

Jake took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves. 

“We should try this for real”

He let go of Rasmus’ hand and rolled over to look at him. He saw the Finn nod and scooted over to snuggle with him. Jake tucked his head under Rasmus’ and wrapped his arms around him. It was a moment of vulnerability that he didn’t think he had in him. He felt Rasmus pull him tighter and kiss the top of his head. They laid like that for a few minutes, not saying anything. 

“The team”

The words were muffled in Jake’s hair, so he pulled his head back and looked up. 

“How do we tell the team?”

“We don’t have to?” 

Jake wasn’t exactly out to the team. Given that this was the first he was finding out Rasmus had an interest in men, he was pretty sure he wasn’t alone. The locker room was a safe space, but Jake had issues with being vulnerable. 

“Mmmm” 

Rasmus had buried his head in Jake’s curls, breathing softly.


	4. Chapter 4

They fell asleep like that, only to be awoken by their phones going off at the same time. The cacophony of vibrations against the wood table were enough to wake the dead. 

Jake made a mental note to turn the vibration strength down on his phone as he rolled over to grab his phone to answer it. 

You see, the problem with everyone getting phones that look the same is that when you reach over to grab yours, you might be grabbing the wrong phone. 

“Hello?”

On the other line Jake heard Jack whispering to someone, most likely Sam. 

“Uh, hey, Caber. We were wondering if you and Risto had planned on joining us for breakfast this morning.”

Jake’s eyes widened. He forgot to set an alarm last night with everything that had been going on. 

“Yeah, we’ll be down in a bit.”

Jake ended the call and looked at the phone in his hand. He tried to swipe it open to double check his alarms. He kept getting an error message and was confused. He tossed the phone down and stretched some, cracking his back in the process. Rasmus had retreated to the bathroom while he was dealing with the phone call. 

Jake heard the water running and Rasmus came out of the bathroom. He tossed his phone down on the bed next to the other phone. 

“My phone won’t open.”

“Mine won’t either.”

Jake looked down at the two phones and realized his mistake. He grabbed the phone that Rasmus had just thrown down and tried his passcode. It worked like a charm, displaying the background he had chosen, which was the skyline of Chicago. 

 

“Fuck” 

Rasmus’ words echoed through the room. Jake pulled up his alarms and noticed that his was set, but since his phone was on vibrate that’s all that was heard. 

“I’m going to buy a sticker or a case or something at this point.” 

Jake was going to make it a point to not make that mistake again. Jake was hoping that Jack wasn’t a complete asshole and this would just devolve into some light chirping. 

Rasmus and Jake quickly got dressed. Jake jammed his beanie down on his head, hiding the fact he didn’t brush his hair. As they sprinted to the elevator, they noticed that there was a large group waiting for it. They quickly make the choice to run down the stairs. 

They sprint down the stairs and when they finally get to the lobby they see the team waiting on them. Jack wolf whistles at them and Sam nods approvingly. 

So much for light chirping. As they get seated in the hotel restaurant, Jake pulls out his phone and notices the group chat. 

To put it lightly, it was a mess. What wasn’t speculation on a possible relationship, was Jack spamming shitty relationship memes, taking after Casey for once. 

Jake slowly locked his phone and slid it into his pocket. Rasmus had glanced over at his phone during the chirping fest and had opted to just leave his phone right where it was. 

Rasmus leaned in and whispered in Jake’s ear. 

“Guess we don’t have to worry about the team”

Jake shrugged knowing that he was right. None of the chirping or comments seemed malicious. They were mostly harmless teasing, though one of them confirmed his fears. He knew what Rasmus looked like. He wasn’t blind and he owned a mirror. He knew what he looked like in comparison. Reading that Rasmus was clearly out of his league and how he was lucky that he had a good personality hit him harder than he expected. 

He shrugged it off, just like how he usually did when he’d say things like that to himself. As always, it was nothing because he was just a nobody. 

Rasmus, as if he sensed something was off, started to rub tiny circles on Jake’s back. It served to calm him down a bit at least. He focused in on his food while the chirps died down. Rasmus winked at the last chirp and then also decided that food was a good idea. 

Jake let the chatter of the table wash over him as the team started to focus on the game against Minnesota. Scandy was excited to see some friends and most of the players were just dialed into getting the win. 

Jake was excited because his parents were making the drive out to see him play. They always did and he always tried to do better in games where he knew they were there. He focused in on how it would be nice to see them and decided that he wasn’t going to tell them about Rasmus yet. It’s only been a day and he’d like to see if it would last. 

The rest of the meal passed by quickly and they hustled back up to their rooms to pack and nap. They weren’t coming back to the rooms after the game, since they had to catch the charter to Winnipeg. 

Jake and Rasmus packed in a hurry and settled into the bed, cuddling while they fell asleep. This time Jake made sure that both of them had alarms turned on. Rasmus protested the alarm, but Jake won with logic.


	5. Chapter 5

The game, well, it was a game of hockey for sure. Jake had a couple of points, mostly secondary assists, but at the end of the night, it was another loss. At least this time they got a point out of it, and they have to refocus and set their sights on not getting killed by Winnipeg tomorrow night. 

Seeing his parents were a relief. It gave him reprieve from the team, even if for a few minutes. They gave him hugs and was cognizant of the fact he had to get on the bus after they showered. Before he left, his mom grabbed him in one last hug. 

“Whoever it is, they’re making you happy.” 

She whispered into his ear. Jake felt himself grin. He still wasn’t going to share the details, but it was good to see that he was already having an impact. 

The thing is, Jake knows that his happiness shouldn’t depend on another person. There were multiple therapy sessions that he paid top dollar for that told him this. The other part of it is that right now Jake couldn’t care any less. He was happy and for once, he was just going to roll with it instead of psychoanalyzing it. 

***  
The game against Winnipeg was a predictable loss, which the guys couldn’t help but be upset over. They had a 3-0 lead and blew it for a 4-3 loss. As the guys filed onto the plane in the dead of night, Jake kept his head buried in his phone. He felt someone plop down in the seat next to him and was shocked when it wasn’t Rasmus. 

In the past they didn’t usually sit together so he wasn’t sure why he thought that would change. 

“So, you and Rasmus finally figured your shit out, eh?” 

Sam turned towards him as he said it, giving Jake the once over. He seemed to approve and shifted so that he was more comfortable. Jake wasn’t liking the fact that Samson might be staying put. 

The flight to Chicago was pretty short compared to some of the other road trips, but that didn’t mean he wanted his wallowing about the loss to have company. Jake firmly believed that depression didn’t need friends and his depression in particular was fine flying solo. 

“What do you mean finally?” Jake was confused. He didn’t think there was anything between them until this weekend except some weird painful pining from him. 

“You guys have been making eyes at each other for at least three years now. Took you guys far too long to figure it out. You should really thank coach for this finally happening.” Samson said, cocking his head a little. 

Jake laughed softly, realizing now what he was missing while caught up in his own pining. 

“Guess I didn’t see it. Yeah, we’ve got it sort of figured out.” 

In that moment, Jake realized that he wasn't sure. They haven’t talked about anything important and Jake knew he probably should tell Rasmus about the mental health stuff. He just didn’t know how and if he really should.


	6. Chapter 6

The problem with depression is that it doesn’t just knock on your door and ask to come in, it breaks a window and climbs in uninvited. Jake thought he was better about catching it before it happened, but that sudden slide was perfectly timed with the sudden slide in the standings the team took. 

You’d think that by this point in his career, he’d be used to losing. Jake always believed he was a nobody, but that didn’t change how he wanted to do something desperately to make things better with the team. He pulled a lot of the expectations for the rest of the team upon himself and his mental health frequently suffered because of it. 

His relationship with Rasmus was doing fine by his standards. He was clouded by the depression to the point where he lost sight of where the relationship was starting to head. 

It had been a couple of months since that snowy night in Minnesota and Jake had yet to talk to Rasmus about his mental health. He didn’t disclose the meds he took in secret or the therapy sessions he snuck off to during days back home. Jake still wasn’t comfortable with discussing his own problems and was afraid that he would push Rasmus away if he knew about them. His therapist would say that he was afraid of rejection and Jake would have to reluctantly agree. 

Things finally came to a head in Montreal. It was a rare win and the boys were buzzing after the game. Jack had yelled across the room something about going out to celebrate. They weren’t in a playoff position by any means, but it was getting close to All Star break and Jake suspected that Jack wanted one last hurrah before the break. 

The club was packed but somehow the team secured a booth in the back that was slightly secluded. Jake slid in after Rasmus and ordered some porter off the menu. He heard Rasmus order a round of shots and he chided him softly. 

“Plan on not remembering the night?”

“I don’t ever blackout” Rasmus chuckled as he said that, sliding his hand under the table to squeeze Jake’s hand. 

It was a move they’ve done a million times to this point but on instinct Jake jerked back. He looked up at Rasmus and saw the concern cross his face. Jake smiled softly and shrugged it off. Jake even surprised himself with that move. It wasn’t something he had done in years. 

The last time included his ex and led to a huge argument. Thankfully Jake knew that Rasmus wasn’t like his ex and would just walk to talk it out later. 

Jake pounded back his beer and then opted to take a few shots with Rasmus, against his better judgement. Eventually he stopped feeling the burn from the shots and felt light on his feet. It was the happiest he had felt in a few months. 

As they were pulled onto the dance floor by the rest of the team, Jake grinded up on Rasmus. He figured the club was dark and no one could recognize who they were. He surged up to kiss Rasmus on the neck and whispered in his ear. 

“Let’s get out of here. I want you to fuck me.” 

A look of surprise sprung up on Rasmus’ face. He nodded and went back to the booth to quickly finish the drink he had. Rasmus threw some money down on the table to cover the tip and grabbed Jake by the hand and led him out of the busy club. 

When they got outside, they were still wrapping scarves around their neck when Jake slipped and started to fall. Rasmus lunged forward and caught him. As Rasmus was hauling Jake to his feet he could hear Jake mumble something. 

“What did you say?” Rasmus inquired softly, a bit of concern in his voice. 

“I said you have such big hands. I love them.” 

Jake was grinning in a way that Rasmus hadn’t seen before. It was a determined grin and one of false joy. Rasmus rubbed Jake’s back in a comforting way.   
“Thanks, I guess?” 

Rasmus wasn’t used to having his hands complimented, but he would take what he could get from the normally reserved Jake. 

Their car arrived in a few minutes and they climbed inside, chatting with the friendly driver. They were taken back to the hotel where they stumbled out of the car and made their way to the front door. As they got to the step, Jake stumbled again, with Rasmus catching him. They straightened themselves out and headed inside. Rasmus steered Jake towards the elevators and they hopped in the one that was about to head up. They had the elevator to themselves and Jake leaned on Rasmus heavily until they heard the ding that signalled that they were on the correct floor. They headed to their room, Jake stumbling as they moved. He was holding onto the wall for added stability. 

When they finally got in Jake’s room, Jake collapsed on the bed closest to the door. He rolled over and wolf whistled at Rasmus as he was taking his clothes off. Rasmus did a little shimmy as a joke and had Jake giggling. Rasmus stopped, shirtless at this point, and leaned down to kiss Jake. Rasmus could taste the alcohol on his lips, slightly bitter with a hint of sweetness. Jake surged up, pulling Rasmus down on to the bed. He fell easily, rolling Jake on top of him as he did so. 

Rasmus started to grind his hips upward, holding Jake’s hips as he did so. Jake reciprocated in kind and started grinding down in small circles. Jake could feel Rasmus running his nails along his back lightly, just enough to send shivers down his spine. Rasmus kissed him again, this time deeper and with purpose. Jake started to remove his shirt, breaking the kiss just enough to get the polo over his head. He continued to kiss Rasmus and felt him slowly undoing his pants and sliding his hands down between his pants and boxers to cup Jake’s ass. Jake arched back into the touch while Rasmus’ hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his boxers. Jake started to grind faster, motivated by how handsy Rasmus had gotten. Rasmus nipped at his ear and whispered that he was going to go get the lube from the suitcase. 

Jake nodded and gestured to where it was in the bag, while sliding out of the rest of his clothes. There was a rattle of a pill bottle and Jake sat up quickly, sitting on the edge of the bed in just his boxers and socks. 

Rasmus turned around and was holding the bottle up, looking concerned. 

Jake had never felt more sober than in that very moment. It felt like the world just crashed down on him and he couldn’t hide the tears that had welled up. The well broke and the tears flowed freely down his face. Rasmus dropped the pill bottle and darted across the room to hold Jake as he cried. 

“No, just leave me alone. I can do this by myself” Jake was starting to get angry at himself over Rasmus finding the bottle of antidepressants. 

“We can get through this, whatever it is.” Rasmus muttered into Jake’s hair. 

Jake pulled away and slowly put his shirt back on. 

“I need to do this alone. It’s my fight, not yours. You don’t need to do anything. Could you please go?” Jake still had tears flowing down his cheeks, splattering on his shirt, leaving droplets across the collar. 

Rasmus simply nodded and grabbed his clothes, leaving Jake behind. 

Jake heard the door close softly behind Rasmus and picked up the bottle that was still laying on the floor where Rasmus had dropped it. He threw it across the room, the bottle hitting the wall hard, the pills flying everywhere. .He grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. 

He knew he just fucked up something good.


	7. Chapter 7

Jake’s depression only got worse from then on. He made a trip to the trainers to try and figure out his medications but the doctors just pointed him in the direction of a mental health professional. In the meantime, Rasmus would shoot him hopeful looks across the locker room and Jake would just avert his eyes whenever that would happen. 

Jake figured that Rasmus hated him for how he acted that night. Sometimes when he drinks, he drinks to forget. That night he drank and didn’t forget a single moment. It was going great and he could have avoided it ending horribly had he hid his pills better. That night had replayed in his head a million times and would continue to do so a million more times. 

They hadn’t used the big L-word yet, but Jake felt like he was in love and betrayed that. 

Of course, these were things he wouldn’t dare share in therapy. He just double downed and tried to skate it out of himself. He’d catch Rasmus staring during practice, with concern across his face, and he’d shake it off the best he could. 

Jake knew that one day he’d have to talk to Rasmus about what was going on. They weren’t technically broken up, but they also hadn’t talked or seen each other outside of team requirements in about three weeks. Rasmus had hit a scoring slump in the meantime.  
It was one of the worst slumps that Jake had seen in his time on the team, and that was saying something. Rasmus couldn’t get a pass to connect with anyone and defensively he was at his worst. Jake figured that it was best he didn’t look at any Corsi numbers relating to himself either. He knew he was doing terribly. The drive for the game just wasn’t there. 

Jake tried his best to not read into it too much. The team was struggling as a whole so it could be a case where Rasmus had taken on too much internal blame or something. 

***

Practice was typical. Jake was paired with Rasmus again and it couldn’t be denied that they work well together. When they were resting between drills, Rasmus looked over at him. 

“We need to talk.” 

Jake nodded slowly and then took off when he heard the whistle. It wasn’t quite their time to go for the drill, but he didn’t want to have this conversation at practice. If he was being totally honest, he didn’t want to have this conversation at all. Jake couldn’t wait to get home after practice. He wanted a long hot shower and a good nap. 

He rushed out of the locker room after practice, opting to just throw on a ton of deodorant instead of showering, and took off towards home. He saw Rasmus trying to signal for him to talk, but avoidance was practically his middle name at this point in his life. 

As he was getting out of the shower, he heard his phone vibrating in the living room. He wrapped a towel around his waist and went to pick up his phone. When he finally got it opened, he saw a string of texts from Sam. 

>Talk to him you idiot  
>Whatever happened he’s obviously sorry for doing it  
>You love him.   
>I know this. You know this.   
>Go talk to him. 

The last thing Jake needed right now was Sam butting into his love life again. Jake felt he needed to do this himself, alone. He didn’t want to hurt Rasmus any more than he already had so far. He also had a passing thought about how Sam could stand to use full paragraphs instead of multiple text messages. 

He opted to not respond and tossed his phone on the couch. He heard a soft thud as it landed on the couch and bounced off, hitting the carpeted floor. He shrugged it off and shuffled back to the bedroom to get clothes on. He had his pants on and he heard someone knocking on his door. 

Jake threw the door open, and he saw Rasmus standing there holding a bag filled with Jake’s favorite junk foods. He looked like he had been crying. He was dressed in his clothes he wore to practice. 

“How did you get in?” 

Jake lived in a secure building and had to buzz people into the building. 

“I bribed someone at the door with an autograph”

Jake shook his head at that and made a mental note to find out who took the bribe in his building. 

“Can I come in? I have some stuff for you?” 

Rasmus sounded unsure about what was going on. Jake scanned his face and he looked terrified, as if Jake was going to lash out at him again. 

Jake gestured for him to come inside. 

“Sorry for the mess, I wasn’t expecting you or anyone if I’m being quite honest.” 

Rasmus scanned the apartment, noting that there was some laundry strewn over the back of one of the chairs. It wasn’t like Jake to keep things unorganized, so Rasmus knew that something was wrong. He moved to put the bag of junk food on the counter and turned to look at Jake. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you” 

They spoke at the same time, reminding Jake of that first night they spent together months ago. He started to relax, not realizing how tense he was since seeing Rasmus at his door. He looked up at Rasmus, staring into his ice blue eyes, noticing that he was starting to tear up again. 

“I love you too, but I fucked up. I really fucked up”

Rasmus moved to pull Jake in for a hug and Jake let himself fall into his arms. Jake could feel his throat tighten and the tears started to fall down his face. Rasmus pulled him tighter and Jake could feel Rasmus rubbing small circles on his back. 

Jake started to pull back and Rasmus let his hold loosen, until Jake was free. 

“I have depression issues.”  
Rasmus didn’t look stunned or scared. Jake was relieved to see that. He had been afraid that it would send Rasmus running to the door. 

He grabbed a paper towel off the roll that was sitting on the counter and moved to wipe the tears from his eyes. 

“What do we do now?” 

Rasmus inquired, tilting his head some, as if to analyze the situation and Jake as a whole. 

Jake shrugged and sat down on the nearest barstool.

“There is nothing for you to do. I wasn’t lying when I said I had to do this alone.”

“Yes, but what can I do to help?” 

Jake could tell that Rasmus wasn’t going to drop this line of thinking anytime in the near future. He let out an exasperated sigh. He started to pick at the label on the water bottle he had in front of him. 

“I go to therapy when we’re in town and I have to take a couple of pills every night. The trainers know and have hooked me up with a great doctor to help me out. Right now I just need life to be normal.” 

Rasmus moved closer to Jake and ran his forefinger along his jawline. He tipped Jakes head so that he was looking upwards into Rasmus’ eyes. 

“Then I support you. That’s normal. We’re partners.” 

Jake let himself have a small smile at that. It sounded perfect to him. 

“Partners.” 

Jake lifted his pinky finger to make a pinky promise and had Rasmus standing there confused. 

“What? You don’t have pinky promises in Finland?” 

Rasmus shook his head, confusion flitting across his face. 

“Fine” 

Jake pulled Rasmus down to his level and sealed the deal with a kiss. Rasmus cupped the back of Jake’s head with one hand and the other one trailed down his back. 

Jake pulled away from the kiss and Rasmus stepped back, afraid he had crossed a line. 

“I can’t do this on a barstool. If I get injured I don’t want to be the one to explain it to the trainers.”

Rasmus laughed and pulled Jake up off the stool, showcasing just how strong he really is. He wrapped his arms around Jake and kissed him on the nose. .Jake giggled softly, realizing how much he missed this. 

Jake surged up and kissed Rasmus deeply, pulling him as close as possible. They were backed up against a wall in no time, trading kisses and Rasmus running his hands up and down over Jake’s half-naked body. 

They broke apart for a second and Jake was panting. 

“Bedroom?”

They shuffled to the bedroom, Jake pulling Rasmus by the hem of his shirt. When they finally made it to the bedroom, Rasmus just slipped his shirt off in one fell swoop. Jake wolf-whistled as he backed into the bed. He sat down on the edge of the bed and started to shimmy out of his pants. He said a small prayer to the hockey gods that whatever was about to happen would cure the slumps they’ve both been in lately. 

Rasmus walked over to the edge of the bed and patted Jake’s thigh. 

“Turn around. I know what it looks like when you have just showered. I want a taste.” 

Jake felt his face get flushed and was pretty sure that he was a matching shade of red. He obliged and turned around, getting on his hands and knees. He felt Rasmus run his fingers under the waistband of his boxers. Rasmus pulled the boxers off, sliding them down over his thighs. There was a moment where they both gigged as the boxers got stuck on his knees. Within a few seconds Jake had shuffled out of them and was back into his position as requested by Rasmus. 

Rasmus landed a firm smack on the curve of Jake’s ass, leaving a red mark that was stinging just slightly. Jake straightened out and let the stinging take him to a happy place. He felt Rasmus pulling his cheeks apart and his tongue flitting across his puckered hole. Rasmus started to use his tongue to make circles, darting inside every so often. Jake couldn’t help but shudder at the massive wetness down there and what it was coming from. He started to thrust backwards onto Rasmus’ tongue, arching his back. He eventually started to reach down to stroke himself and he felt Rasmus swat his hand away. Jake got that message loud and clear. Rasmus pulled his face away and Jake couldn’t help the whine that escaped his lips.   
Rasmus patted his leg softly. 

“Lube in the normal spot?” 

Jake nodded and tilted his head towards the drawer on the nightstand to the left. Jake heard the rip of a condom wrapper and felt the bed shift as Rasmus knelt behind him. He could hear the familiar sound of the lube being pumped out of the slender bottle. He could feel some dribbling down near his hole, and Rasmus started to massage a single finger around the area. He took a deep breath and relaxed as Rasmus slid the singular finger in. He felt it being worked in and out for a good minute or so and then Rasmus added another. Jake moaned at the sensation of being stretched and was excited for what was still to come. Rasmus kept working on stretching him out, occasionally peppering kisses on the curve of Jake’s ass. He worked a third finger in and Jake couldn’t help but arch back even more into the stretch. 

Rasmus pulled his fingers out slowly and Jake keened at the emptiness. He heard Rasmus lubing himself up some more and then felt the bluntness of his cock lining up with his hole. He slid in slowly, letting Jake adjust to the girth before sliding out and back in with a swift, practised, movement. Jake started to moan loud enough for his neighbors to probably put in a noise complaint. 

Rasmus picked up the pace, sensing the need for Jake to get off soon. As he got close, he reached down and cupped his hand around Jake and stroked twice before he was coming all over the sheets. Rasmus followed suit within seconds and then slumped down, draping his whole body over Jake’s. He pulled out slowly and slid the condom off, disposing of it in the trashcan in the bathroom. When he stepped out of the bathroom, he saw Jake just laying there, face down on the bed. He lightly smacked Jake’s ass. 

“Come on. Shower time.” 

Jake groaned, wanting to take a nap after all of that. He knew that Rasmus was right and they needed to get back into the shower so that they could try to nap some before their game that night. 

When Jake stepped into the bathroom, he noticed that Rasmus had already gotten the water running and was in there scrubbing down. Jake climbed in and kissed the base of Rasmus’ neck. 

“I love you.” 

Jake could feel Rasmus grin and then grabbed a washcloth and got to work scrubbing himself. It wasn’t a particularly sexy shower, but it was comforting to do it together.   
“I need to nap, want to join me?” 

Jake brought them back to reality because they did have a game that night. 

“Sure. My suit is in the car.” 

Jake smiled softly. He knew that Rasmus used the dry cleaner down the street from him and it must have been fate at work. 

Jake pulled his boxers on and climbed into bed, undoing the comforter from the other side of the bed. He saw Rasmus rifle through a dresser drawer and pulled out a pair of his own boxers that he had left a month ago. He slid into those and then slid into the bed next to Jake. Rasmus wrapped an arm around Jake and pulled him closer, making him the little spoon. 

“Did you set an alarm?” 

Jake waved his free arm towards the nightstand. 

“Yes. You set one too.” 

Rasmus chuckled, pulling Jake closer. They fell asleep like that.


	8. Chapter 8

They arrived at the arena together and they ran into Jack and Sam first. 

“Great! Our defence is finally fixed!” Jack exclaimed, clapping his hands together. 

“I hope you two worked out whatever was going on. I can’t take anymore sadness lasagna.” Sam said sarcastically. 

“You like my lasagna so fuck you.” Jake laughed as the four of them made their way to the locker room. 

They walked in and got the once over by a few teammates, most of them opting to keep to themselves though. They got ready like normal and once the game started, they were off to the races. 

Halfway through the second period, Jake took a slapshot off a pass from Rasmus and it went top shelf. Jake couldn’t help but grin when he saw Rasmus skate from halfway across the ice to be the first one to hug him. Rasmus screamed something that Jake couldn’t understand, but got the feeling from anyway. 

The game ended up going to overtime where Rasmus netted the overtime winner off a pass from Jack. When they all rushed on the ice Jake found him first and hugged him as hard as he was hugged earlier. 

It was like he was lost and had finally found his way home. It wasn’t perfect, but it was alright for him.

**Author's Note:**

> [Playlist I created while writing this.](https://open.spotify.com/user/122048146/playlist/5BexamTla8ciF2WADLxJrp?si=_yvvtkwyRz22VOuNgDJSRA)
> 
> You can find the edit that was lovingly created to go with this fic[ here.](https://evian-fork.dreamwidth.org/1002.html)  
> Again, huge thanks to everyone involved in this process
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always welcomed!  
> Title is from "C'mon” by Panic! At The Disco & fun  
>    
> [check out my tumblr](https://jakemccabe.tumblr.com/)


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